Responding To Disappointment

So a month ago, I wrote a post on Disappointment, featuring Romans 5:3-5 and this week I got to live it...

Last Sunday I got a voice mail from the innkeeper where my fiancé and I are supposed to get married next May. When I called back, she explained that she had to sell the B&B and would be closing in November and that the buyer had a different purpose in mind for the property and would not be able to honor our contract. She felt terrible and would be sending back our deposit plus some additional money to help out with our wedding.

What I wanted to do:

• I wanted to get angry and demand to know why she would let us book the place just a couple of months previously. She had to have some idea that this was going to happen.
• I wanted to cry because all our advance planning was for nothing and we had just sent in the designs for our invitations...with all the wrong information.
  

What actually happened:

• I expressed my condolences that she had to close the Inn and thanked her for letting us know early and for her generosity in contributing some additional money to our wedding fund. She also had made some calls to some other local B&B's to see who might be able to host our event, and I thanked her for that. I chose to show understanding and sympathy.

While I was upset and disappointed, I knew that both my spirit and the innkeepers were on the line. If I allowed my anger anger and frustration rule me, both of us would pay a price. For the innkeeper, I would add to her guilt feelings and I would be discounting the kindnesses she had showed in the situation. For myself, I would let anger and bitterness into my heart and possible allow it to mar, what will be one of the greatest days of my life, the day I join my life in the commitment of marriage. Further, I couldn't help but think of the story in John chapter 8 where the religious leaders brought a woman to Jesus who had been caught in the act of adultry:

When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” verse 7

I have certainly messed up and disappointed others and I will in the future. When others mess up and cause me disappointment, I try to consider how I would like others to respond to my mistakes and do likewise.

Now as the week has gone on, we have done a great deal of research into other options and venues, I have prayed, and my small group has prayed with me. Many options involve changing the wedding date (and we loved our date because by God-incidence we had scheduled our wedding for the 10th anniversary of legal gay marriage in Massachusetts, the state where we live) and budget seems to be an obstacle for many great locations as we are trying to make it a weekend event. But here are some of the places this week's prayers have brought me to:

• Focus on what is important. I have stepped back to consider what is most important about my wedding. This event celebrates a great love. It does not need to rely on money, a certain date, specific things being present or a specific location. It is about Thomas and I and the love and commitment we share. Whatever works out, those key elements will be there. That day will be amazing for just that! Anything else is added beauty and blessing.
• See new possibilities. As we have explored different options, I have come to look for what new things these different venues offer instead of what they don't offer that were at the Inn. For instance, in looking at a retreat and conference center, I am thinking about the fire pit available and the opportunities for a campfire and s'mores. This was not something we would have been able to do previously and it could be a very different and fun way to spend time with our guests on the eve of our wedding. For those who know me, I am a s'more master and a big campfire fan. Focusing on this helps me to spend less time thinking about the fact that we will have to do additional food planning for this venue to stay in our budget if we chose it.

Thinking about handling disappointments and saying how we will respond when they happen is a very different experience than actually facing it and choosing to respond with love.

Do you have an example of a time when you have chosen to respond with love and patience in the face of disappointment? I would love to hear about it.

Romans 5:3-5 - Disappointment

Last week, my fiancé asked me if I had any quotes or poems about disappointment...and it could even be scripture; he was preparing a discussion topic for the small group he facilitates.

Several days later, when I remembered his request (my delay was probably a disappointment to him, ironically), I was immediately drawn to a scripture and a quote from a popular children's book.

The scripture was Romans 5:3-5

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

 This is a scripture that I often turn to when life feels difficult. It reminds me that there is purpose in everything that I experience. Each experience shapes and changes me and is a part of who I am today. I like the man that I am and when I really look at it, most of the traits that I admire about myself were forged in challenges and tough times, not in the seasons of smooth sailing. I have often found myself thanking God for difficulties that I have experienced because without them, I would not have become a person of determination, assertiveness, empathy, and many other positive traits. And I am further grateful that I can recognize this truth and the goodness of personal growth. Of course, when I am in the middle of struggles, that is not always so easy to see. I often need some time and distance to get perspective.

Now later this week, a coworker of mine made a comment that I was very patient and I didn't let things upset me or become frustrated. That isn't always the case, but I do strive for that. But as she was saying this, I was brought back to this scripture because it is from times of trials and suffering that those traits have been formed. It is those seasons that have given me the wisdom to step back from circumstances and evaluate my reactions to events to see what will be fruitful and what will only make the situation worse for myself. Stopping to assess and make a more thoughtful response to events is something I have trained myself to do through some difficult situations.

But let's be honest, it just doesn't always work out. For me, this is especially true when I am tired. It seems like little things go badly and my response becomes very emotional. I have to fight grumpiness and the desire to lash out. Sometimes I can win the battle, but I also lose it as well. In those times, I feel like the other quote I gave my fiancé,  from Judith Viorst's book, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day:

 I went to sleep with gum in my mouth and now there's gum in my hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

 If you have ready the book, you know that everything seems to go wrong for Alexander. None of these things are earth-shattering but as they pile up, Alexander's day just gets worse and worse...until finally, as he is going to bed, his mom reminds him that some days are like that...even in Australia.

What I love about this story is that it acknowledges that sometimes our day is bad. It has one thing after another go bad, the day is terrible, and we have disappointments; that this is a reality of life...even in Australia. It gives me permission to have a bad day, to occasionally let my disappointment show and be a little grumpy. It also reminds me that just like Alexander's bad day, my bad day also comes to an end and the next day is a brand new day, filled with potential.

I think the key is to take that disappointment and put it in perspective. Look at it for the character trait grown/formed, or the lesson to be learned. And then, to give thanks for that trait or lesson, for it just develops us closer to the beautiful and amazing person we are becoming.

Do you struggle with disappointments and how to deal with them? Maybe next time you are in the middle of that, you can stop, and see the potential for growth, and give thanks for the opportunity to become more than you were.